I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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