Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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