you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
