It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
