Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
