.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
