I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
what day is it and did you see me today?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
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I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
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You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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