she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
