sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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