I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
