four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
