I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize