he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
