So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
