I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
