hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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