and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
