if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
