dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to