I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
Hahaha April fools!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?