They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
