don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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