oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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