He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
