You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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