Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
