Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
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But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
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I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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