I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
