its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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