haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
