best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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