mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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