I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
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I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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