then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
