I can text with my tongue
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"