dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
