I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"