census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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