I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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