And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
