I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
