I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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