I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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