and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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