i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
