When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
