All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
