This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
