Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
