I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
