Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
