I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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