He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
