I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
