Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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