I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
