this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It was a blind-side dick pic.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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